so it's my birthday tomorrow. i suppose if you want to be technical it's right now. i'm a little over emotional because that's one of the drawbacks of being female. i cant control it right now either. i just said a bunch of stupid things to Bublz i'm going to regret tomorrow because i was upset tonight. not mean things. just feelings.
because of his overnight schedule he gets home around 10am, goes to sleep around noon, and wakes up around 7-8pm depending on how tired he is. so mwf if i come straight home after my one morning lecture (9:30-10:30) i get to see him for a little while before he goes to bed and i always wake him up at night, but i cant really spend time with him then. he works out as soon as he gets up, takes a shower, eats, gets ready to go and by the time he's done with all that, it's time for him to leave. so the four days he's on i really only get to see him in the morning, which i cant do t/th because i have a 9:50-11:10 lecture. anyway.
tomorrow's thursday. it's also my birthday. birthdays are horribly depressing for me and i spent the last four of them alone and crying trying to talk myself into believing i was still a worthwhile human being.. even if no one remembered. so i wanted to skip my morning lecture tomorrow so i could see Bublz when he got home and he told me to go. i knew if i went i wouldnt get any quality time with him tomorrow night because he's working. so we argued for a bit. he even went so far as to say he didnt want me failing out of scool because of him. wouldnt want that on his conscience. that made me really upset. cant really say why. so i told him that bit about why i hate my birthday and he suddenly changed his tune to wanting to take me out to eat when he gets home. which.. i dont really know if that's a good thing or not.
i guess i'm just pushing for something that's never going to happen.. a relationship. i feel like we could stop talking tomorrow and he wouldnt miss a beat. that's hardly right. i'm sitting on the fence and i dont know whether to just give up and let him go or stick it out and keep trying. that's what this move really feels like. either i stay near SB and say to hell with it or i follow him west and give an honest effort. i just dont know.
so i'm going to try sleeping now cause it's 3am. i hope i feel better in the morning.