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hmph Oct. 16th, 2008 @ 04:21 pm
here i thought i was preparing for the update of the century, but i already told you all about John. although i was a little stingy with the details. [sidenote: dont you hate it when you randomly look in the mirror and realize your lip is bleeding? sucks.] so! lets get down to business. i've been "dating" Bublz (aka Mike) since the summer of '05. although i should really say i started sleeping with him then. we didnt *officially* become a couple until June of '06. anyway we were pretty much living together since we met. it was just more convenient that way. anyhow, i met John in the middle of April this year and broke up with Bublz shortly after. John and i started dating May 1st. he's the most amazing man i've ever met. he's everything i want and exactly what i need. he's sweet, sensitive, considerate, supportive, funny, caring, loving, affectionate, romantic, one of those guys that gets along with everyone, and he's drop dead gorgeous to boot. there's just one little snag. he's married. with two kids. he's 23. now that the secret's out let me explain. he joined the air force straight out of high school. he just got out this January. he met a girl while he was serving, they had only dated 6 months when they decided to get married. it was the only way for them to stay together, and he thought he was happy. they also decided to have two children. long story short she was a lush, put them into debt and cheated on him several times. he tried everything in his power to save his marriage for the sake of his children, Madison and Alexander (4 and 3 now), but it failed. they've been separated for a year and a half and are currently finalizing the divorce. he had full custody of both kids until April. since then it's been joint custody where they spend four weeks with him and four weeks with their mother in Ohio. that means every four weeks we drive to DuBois, PA (halfway point) to meet her and exchange the kids. this situation is all new to me and i had a real hard time with it at first, but i think things will only get better. i love him dearly and if he wasnt as amazing as he is, he wouldnt be worth the trouble. but he is. this is a man i already know i could see myself marrying. i just have to take into account two extra kids i hadnt planned for before. so that's where i stand at the moment. every once in a while i freak out over the prospect of being a step-mother (also something i never planned on being), but all in all i'm very happy. he's so good to me. sometimes i feel like i dont deserve him. a lot of the time i wonder what the hell he sees in me. but he loves me and i shouldnt question it lol. i'm just glad he does. and with that i'm going to crawl into bed next to him and fall asleep. goodnight everyone.
Current Location: Bob's room
and how does that make you feel?: sleepysleepy
background noise: the hum of the ac

! Jun. 3rd, 2008 @ 02:47 pm
it's been another year! however i'm happy to say that i am fucking fantastic. i broke up with Bublz toward the end of April and started dating John on May 1st. i cant even tell you how much i absolutely adore him. i'm smitten. he's amazing. there are no words. and i'm super excited because he's coming over tonight. i miss him. like crazy. which is insane.
and how does that make you feel?: excitedexcited
background noise: Juno

rawr May. 14th, 2007 @ 12:52 pm
i havent made a post this year heh. Bublz is off the night shift! since like.. i forget when. i'm excited to be able to sleep with him again.. at night. that's important. they're paying him more also, which is awesome. so i only decided to make this posted because when i scrolled to archive i didnt see 2007 heh. sometimes i like to go back and read my summer 2005 posts because that was a fantastic summer. but really i'm just procrastinating because i have two finals tomorrow i dont want to study for.
background noise: comedy central presents

hm Oct. 26th, 2006 @ 05:00 pm
i was reading some of my "recent" posts.. i read back as far as my birthday. boy was i a barrel of laughs. i'm glad to say things have improved dramatically. Bublz and i live in this wonderful little place in Port Jeff with Andrew, Dustin and Inna. Tom and Frank jumped ship so Andrew and Inna took their place. cant say i'm happy about that. i <3 Tom and Frank. Tom's in Cali and Frank's in Jersey. now i have no complaints about Andrew. he's awesome. Inna, however, i never liked. aside from the fact that i dont like her, i hate living with her. and Dusty. well.. eh. but that's not the point.

i've been in a much better place, although not quite as social and chipper as i was last year during the summer. but i'm doin alright all things considered. things with Bublz are wonderful. he's even starting to use terms of endearment (like calling me baby). he's more affectionate than he was. i'm loving this. now if only we could get that love thing going on heh. i have a feeling it just hasnt been long enough and eventually we'll get to that point. but for now as long as he keeps acting like it, he doesnt necessarily have to say it. that's ok with me.

i've also been doing well in school. 2 As and 2 Bs so far on my first midterms. i took 2nd midterms this week and have another next tuesday so i hope i can keep up the good work. i'm really excited about this semester.
and how does that make you feel?: cheerfulcheerful
background noise: silence

i adore him Aug. 17th, 2006 @ 10:17 pm
this past tuesday i had off from work. Bublz came home (LB) around 10:30 and crawled into bed with me and fell asleep. i woke up around 2 and got dressed. he woke up while i was getting ready and i told him i was going to run some errands, but i'd be back. i got my hair cut and my nails done. when i got home i gave him a kiss. he was already half awake. we talked for a little bit and i turned on my computer to play wow so he could go back to sleep. about 20 minutes after that he turned over and said he was giving up on sleeping. he couldnt get back to sleep after i left and he still couldnt sleep. he's just been laying there for hours. i went over to talk to him and asked if he wanted me to lay down with him for a little. he said ok. i turned off my computer, took some clothes off and got into bed with him. he cuddled up against me and held me so tight. he was asleep within ten minutes.

he needed me to sleep. how fuckin cute is that?
and how does that make you feel?: cheerful:D
background noise: work work work

Aug. 11th, 2006 @ 03:12 am
figured i was due for a post. there's not very much to tell i guess. i'm out in port jeff. last few weeks i've been freaking out about having to live with Inna because i never liked her much. didnt like her at all actually. so i'm out here with her now. it's really not that bad as long as i remind myself to relax. it's really just latent jealousy. i never liked her around Bublz. but he's made it very clear there's nothing there. so how can i really argue?

in other news my brother got his license revoked for a year due to a DWI. in light of this little mishap he's sworn off alcohol until 21 (he's 18). and on top of him giving up weed to get a job which requires a physical and bloodwork, this is great. he's clean. we also havent gotten into a shouting match in quite some time. i'm rather excited. he's a decent person when he's sober.

Bublz is good. he's got an interview for one of those state jobs in a week. he's also due for a promotion at the hospital in about a month. so either way he'll be off the overnight. it's just a matter of which comes first. so we'll see.

dont really know what else to say at the moment. i cant sleep. feeling very.. blah. feeling like i need affection and love. the things that are hard to come by. maybe i'll feel better in the morning.

goodnight.
and how does that make you feel?: blahblah
background noise: wow

!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Jul. 16th, 2006 @ 12:37 am
it's finally official! i can now introduce Bublz as my boyfriend.

that is all :D
and how does that make you feel?: ecstaticecstatic

wonderful news Jun. 30th, 2006 @ 11:00 pm
i am alive. not kidnapped, hospitalized or incarcerated. arent you glad? i've been living in a hole for quite some time. my entire life has been working and seeing Bublz as much as possible. we're on better ground, for those of you whom i've been discussing that with. the feelings are there, even if he wont express them. so that's at least a step in the right direction and good enough for now.

i've been working a lot and it's driving me nuts. it's getting to the point where people i work with ask what's wrong. the people i'm not really all that glad to be working with in the first place. next time i'm just gonna flat out say "i come to work to work. not to socialize." which is what everyone loves doing. but 3-11. forget it. i just wanna work so the time passes and i can get the fuck out. after 11.. i'll talk your ear off because i dont HAVE to be there. anyway.

me and Bublz got into this silly little habit where i bring my laptop to work at midnight and play wow with him in the data office. i think it's hysterical. i stay til 5am then go home and sleep which is perfectly fine if i'm not working and if i am i can sleep til 1:30 and still get up and shower and get to work on time. so it's win win. i'm diggin it.

things with my brother, unfortunately, arent so hot. every once in a while (about once a month) we get into a terrible argument that makes me cry out of pure frustration. we had one such argument tonight. he's hard headed when he's sober. when he's drunk or high he's absolutely impossible to reason with. whatever you need, forget about it. my only complaint is the noise. we share a very large, very thin, wall. i can hear everything through it. it's not just him playing music. he blasts it. and doesnt see a damn thing wrong with it until it's 11pm because that's when the law says he has to shut up. it's infuriating.

but i dont really want to rant about that. five of us from "Fort Standard" moved to a little place in Port Jeff. it's quaint and i like it. me and Bublz, Tom, Dusty and Frank. it's a 4br/2bath. i'm excited for fall. i'll actually have my own desk and own space. it'll be lovely. i'll actually have a place to do work and think and study. i cant wait. plus Bublz will be there. which is always wonderful.

i think that's about it for now. take care everybody. be good.

backsliding into the fiery depths of hell Apr. 28th, 2006 @ 08:14 am
i guess an entire year went to waste. only sort of though. i started and wanted to so badly, but all i could think about was what Bublz would say/do. i stopped. i cried my fuckin eyes out instead. it's barely a scratch. no scar. shouldnt be at least. it's just all red and new right now. i'm really angry at myself for doing that. i feel like i was a new person over the summer and since. doing something from back in the day, something negative, really pisses me off. but i've been falling back into who i used to be recently anyway. i guess that's why i slipped in the first place. remember summer? the beginning of classes? remember how happy and huggy i was? jumping on strangers and having a generally good time? i'm feeling less of all that. but i'm really hoping that's just because the winter wore me down and now, in April, i'm finally feeling it. i hope it gets better as it gets lighter and when i get out of this goddamn basement and into some sunlight while sitting at my computer. i also havent had the easiest year ever. so i dont know. we'll see. i hope things get better. i want them to. and despite how i feel i'm going to shove my emotions back wherever the hell they came from and try to forget. i mean psh. it's only been eight months. fuck.
and how does that make you feel?: indescribableindescribable
background noise: Bond

Apr. 28th, 2006 @ 02:19 am
get used to it or get out. i feel like those are my only two options with Bublz. he's not going to love me. and i dont know how much longer i can take this lack of emotion. lack of affection. it's killing me. very slowly. and i think we're getting down to the wire here. maybe it's just cause i'm depressed and emoing out and crying. but i feel like i cant take much more of this. i NEVER know what he's feeling. he never volunteers any information at all. i cant stand not knowing what's going on. and god forbid i should be upset about anything emotion-related. i cant talk to him about it. fuck no. that's absurd. i cant talk to the boy i'm fucking?! what the hell is that. i really dont think i can do this anymore. it's to the point where i feel like cutting just to let something out. April. it's been a year. i've been so good. but god damn if this doesnt drive me to it.

i love him and i cant say a word about it. the terrible thing to do would be to line up a replacement then tell him so if he cant handle it.. boom. there's the backup. but if he can, fantastic. arent i horrible for even oming up with that idea?

sooner or later i'm going to have to come to terms with the fact that i cant talk to him about anything emotional. if i need to decide what class to play in wow he's right there for me but if i need emotional support.. forget it. this is so going to be a major problem. i know it. i can see it.

and he just said he's going for a walk and left without waiting for a reply. fabulous.
and how does that make you feel?: crusheddevastated
background noise: my own sobbing

so.. hm. Apr. 26th, 2006 @ 10:25 pm
housing. two of my housemates are moving out by the end of this month (supposedly) and the rest of us are out by the end of May. until recently it was thought five of us plus some outsiders would move west and get a place together mid-island. a couple days ago Tom tells me three of the five (Bublz and i were the other two) want to stay out east to be close to people. when Tom told Bublz this, he said there's a 99% chance he'd stay east with us because he doesnt want to move west by himself. while i'm relieved i get to stay east and stay with Bublz (in a victorian gorgeous brand fuckin new house no less), i know Bublz doesnt really want to be out here. and while i wasnt thrilled about going west, i was at least glad we'd be away from all the random people that just loved to show up without notice. and now that we're gonna be right in Port Jeff in a ridiculously beautiful house.. i imagine people will be by more often.

i told Bublz that if he gets settled in that 1% and decides to go west anyway.. i'd probably go with him because my emotions come before my best interest unfortunately. i kind of want to tell him if he just wanted to get a small place, maybe even an apartment, i'd go with him. we could live in Hicksville like he wanted. but i dont know how happy i'd be about that because he has friends in the area and i dont. hell i dont even know how happy he'd be about that.

and i keep getting real emo lately. i hate when that happens because i start pushing for more meaningful conversation and that never ends well because i'm pushing for him to say something he's never going to say. we actually sort of talked about this the other night. he doesnt believe in love. he thinks that people just have strong emotions. well.. what is love except a classification of emotion? it's also a very.. in-the-moment kind of thing. it's not forever like most people think. it's a right now, as long as things keep working out kind of thing. which is why it's nice to hear on a regular basis so you know things are still working and the other person is still happy. but augh. i cant tell him that.

in other news Nyles told me he loves me. whatever the hell that means. i dont really know. it kills me too cause i used to be so in love with him. i did anything for him. but i just dont feel that way about him anymore. plus i dont think he's really capable of change. it's just not in him. besides. i love Bublz. i want to be with him. i want to live with him. nothing makes me happier than coming home to him. except maybe falling asleep with him and waking up next to him.

i love him.
and how does that make you feel?: anxiousanxious
background noise: Frank's music.

Apr. 23rd, 2006 @ 03:52 am
i ran out of close friends. my best friend abandoned me and my other best friend.. well he cant handle being my best friend anymore. i'd talk to Dan, but it's almost 4am and he's sleeping. Bublz should be on, but i called him and he's awol. i could have used him around tonight. could've used anyone.

Nyles told me he loves me. he's tired of the games and he's sorry for being a jerk and he loves me. that's it. he wants to be around me. i didnt get around to asking what he wants relationship-wise. of course i dont really know what to tell him. i mean dont get me wrong, i love Bublz. but i miss having someone that loves me too. and isnt afraid to say so on a regular basis. which is of course what Nyles is offering. just makes me question things is all. and when you have a conversation like the one i just had with Bublz on top of the one i just had with Nyles.. i have to wonder if i'm with the right boy. i dont like that feeling. kind of just makes me want to cry. which i think is what i'm going to do. and if i have any luck, i'll fall asleep before i start bawling.

goodnight.
and how does that make you feel?: indescribablego away
background noise: The Usual Suspects

Apr. 1st, 2006 @ 01:03 am
last post: sometimes i just need to bitch about being too much of a pussy to own up and tell him how i feel. so let me complain without defending myself. because this is lj. and that's what people do here. this is an outlet, not a panel of people to pass judgment. so leave me alone damnit. let me wallow in my punk-assedness. kthxbye.
Current Location: wtf? LB.
and how does that make you feel?: sleepysleepy
background noise: Metal Gear Solid

</3 Mar. 27th, 2006 @ 11:30 pm
the words 'i love you' are burning through my heart like cash through your pocket.
and how does that make you feel?: worriedworried

er Mar. 24th, 2006 @ 09:06 pm
i almost did the stupidest fuckin thing on the planet. i was trying to wake Bublz up for work because he asked me to and he was going to be late. he wanted to go back to bed but i kept urging him to get up, caressing his bare back, kissing his face, all that good stuff. in his half-conscious stupor he asked why i was doing this, to which i almost replied.. because i love you. that would've openned a ridiculous can of worms. glad i caught my tongue.
and how does that make you feel?: hungryhungry
background noise: Kill Bill Vol. 1

this must be thursday. i never could get the hang of thursdays. Mar. 23rd, 2006 @ 02:39 am
so it's my birthday tomorrow. i suppose if you want to be technical it's right now. i'm a little over emotional because that's one of the drawbacks of being female. i cant control it right now either. i just said a bunch of stupid things to Bublz i'm going to regret tomorrow because i was upset tonight. not mean things. just feelings.

because of his overnight schedule he gets home around 10am, goes to sleep around noon, and wakes up around 7-8pm depending on how tired he is. so mwf if i come straight home after my one morning lecture (9:30-10:30) i get to see him for a little while before he goes to bed and i always wake him up at night, but i cant really spend time with him then. he works out as soon as he gets up, takes a shower, eats, gets ready to go and by the time he's done with all that, it's time for him to leave. so the four days he's on i really only get to see him in the morning, which i cant do t/th because i have a 9:50-11:10 lecture. anyway.

tomorrow's thursday. it's also my birthday. birthdays are horribly depressing for me and i spent the last four of them alone and crying trying to talk myself into believing i was still a worthwhile human being.. even if no one remembered. so i wanted to skip my morning lecture tomorrow so i could see Bublz when he got home and he told me to go. i knew if i went i wouldnt get any quality time with him tomorrow night because he's working. so we argued for a bit. he even went so far as to say he didnt want me failing out of scool because of him. wouldnt want that on his conscience. that made me really upset. cant really say why. so i told him that bit about why i hate my birthday and he suddenly changed his tune to wanting to take me out to eat when he gets home. which.. i dont really know if that's a good thing or not.

i guess i'm just pushing for something that's never going to happen.. a relationship. i feel like we could stop talking tomorrow and he wouldnt miss a beat. that's hardly right. i'm sitting on the fence and i dont know whether to just give up and let him go or stick it out and keep trying. that's what this move really feels like. either i stay near SB and say to hell with it or i follow him west and give an honest effort. i just dont know.

so i'm going to try sleeping now cause it's 3am. i hope i feel better in the morning.
and how does that make you feel?: indescribableindescribable
background noise: something soothing Frank's playing

fuckin hell Mar. 3rd, 2006 @ 01:20 am
so it's thursday night and dinner was at our house tonight. i had gone downstairs at 5:30 to take a nap cause Bublz was already sleeping so i just crawled into bed with him. we woke up at 7pm when his alarm went off. there were at least a dozen people over and they were being kind of loud considering we were below them. out of nowhere Bublz goes "so yea, Huntington" like he's been doing often lately. and i got really upset because it seemed to me that he was kind of determined to move to Huntington. i already knew he wanted to move mid-island, but until recently it was kind of just a pipe dream. so i got really upset while he was getting ready and i started crying. yes the thought of not seeing him bothers me that much. after a while i got really annoyed with myself for getting that upset. he said nothing is definite yet and there's still a chance he'll stay out here so i shouldnt get upset. i couldnt help it though. because i know if he moves to Huntington i either have to go with him or i wont be seeing him anymore. he tried to tell me that's not how it would be, but i pointed out that he's working the overnight now and he hates to drive. he knows after a while he'd stop making an effort.

he left for work at 9:30. he's going home after he gets off tomorrow morning because his brother's birthday is saturday. then he's working sunday night. so i'll see him at the end of my shift sunday but he wont be home until monday. that's really far away and i miss him already.

in other news. everyone was drinking tonight. Brian Wong kissed me. he's got six hickies now. not my doing. apparently he wants to screw me but cant because i'm sleeping with one of his good friends. he's a lot more touchie feelie when he's drunk.

it's 1:30am. i'm gonna try sleeping. hopefully Wong doesnt rape me in my sleep. lol. night.

ps my midterm was cancelled due to inclement weather. w00t.
and how does that make you feel?: melancholylike i miss Bublz
background noise: muffled talking from upstairs

sigh Feb. 28th, 2006 @ 11:51 pm
it's Bublz's first night at work. he's four days on, four days off 11p-9a. that means if his first day of work starts on a tuesday, i wont be falling asleep next to him for five nights in a row. how fucking sucky is that? well you all dont care. i do though. it's not right sleeping in this bed without him. this is going to be interesting. we'll see how i handle this. i'm taking Yve home with me next weekend because she wanted a job and i offered to take her to my hospital. i'm just getting everybody jobs there arent i lol.

anyway. i'm gonna brush up and try that whole sleeping thing. hopefully it works out. i hope you all are doing well.

point of interest: i had ihop with Dan last week. it was splendid. i miss spending time with everyone. Dan in particular. he's wonderful to talk to. i miss our talks.

night.
and how does that make you feel?: sleepysleepyish
background noise: something Flip's playing

i dont particularly know what i'm doing Feb. 19th, 2006 @ 12:26 am
i have a housefull of people that care about me and i dont have the balls to ask a single one of them for help. school has really been getting to me, the fluid situation between Bublz and i is worrying me and after a day like today in the ER everything just compounds on everything else. people dying around you really makes you feel like shit. 50yrs old cardiac arrest. how fuckin terrible is that? but i guess it's better than a 4 month old respiratory distress. that was just awful.

it crossed my mind.. the fact that my favorite knife is at SB instead of in my pocket is probably a good thing tonight. i thought i was past that. i think i still am. but every now and again i entertain the notion. i just dont want to deal with the consequences of people noticing. i think that's the only thing keeping me from doing anything stupid. i wonder what Bublz would say. but of course i wouldnt want to do anything to jeopardize that situation. another reason not to do anything.

i think i'm going to try sleeping. that might work. i was hoping Bublz would be on when i got home, but no dice. off on a tanget, i love my mom.
and how does that make you feel?: indescribableindescribable
background noise: my typing

Feb. 14th, 2006 @ 08:31 pm
Bublz is working some event at the cafe. i have a ton of fuckin schoolwork to do.

happy fake holiday to you all.
and how does that make you feel?: stressedstressed
background noise: Jimmie's Chicken Shack - This Is Not Hell
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